nineteen.

the feeling of falling apart
is not the worst
even if
the world is spinning
and the storm threatens to tear you to pieces

the feeling of wanting to die
is not the worst
even if
you're crying
and there seems to be no end to this sadness

the worst feeling
is receiving hope
a glimmer
spark
(flowers)
in the form of smiles
words

and then
having it taken away from you
jerked from you
torn
ripped
shredded

and gone.

seventeen.

I'm sorry
I'm sorry
what do you want me to do
I don't know how to fix everything

did you mean to do that?
words harm
words maim
words kill

no, it doesn't matter if I didn't mean to
I still did

and oh god I can't do this
I can't watch this anymore
I don't want to remember

back to square one, here we go
they were pretty flowers
and for a moment I was brighter
then it all came crashing down
for the hundreth time

and I can't
I can't
can't speak
because
you won't give me another chance

but for everyone else
they have plenty

and why do I care this much
when your sense of humour
is just like the rest of them
making jokes out of things that aren't funny
was this you all along?

somehow I'm the bad one
if I am
then what are they
what are you (good, of course, right?)

I don't know

it's obvious
you don't want me there
I'm sorry

sixteen.

it hurts it hurts it hurts
to breathe
to live

I'm screaming for help
but no one's listening
no one ever does

today was just a friendly reminder
that you're not good enough

that you're too cringey
that you're not funny
that you're fucking pathetic
that everyone else is better than you
by millions and millions
(you were never good enough)

and all that comes out of your mouth
is shit shit shit

no I don't like you like that
all I want is for us to be friends

why

when you can tell someone to drink bleach just like that (do you mean it?)
when you can hit shove kick hurt other people just like that (you don't mean it)

why

why do I still want to be friends with you

but hey, who am I to judge
after all, I'm a bad person, right?
fuck
I don't know

I hate myself
I've only ever hated myself.

fifteen.

hey you
you're all alone
lucky I'm here
to be your friend

upgrade
replace
slash her ugly face

hey you
you're all alone
lucky she's there
to be your friend

so pretty
so precious
so perfect
she'll never betray you
she'll never use you
she'll never ever leave

my first place is second place
and you know what they say about second place

you told me I won
but the race wasn't over

I'm still running like a fool

thirteen.

the silence sings
of broken things
of messed up dreams
and reality

you're all alone
there's no one there to hold your hand
as you lay in the darkness
and shake
eyes full of fear
gasping for breath

it feels so good to cry.

I don't want to hurt anyone
least of all, you
but I only target those who sleep

wake up
I'm just a nightmare
the monster under the bed
it'll always be night time
if you never open your eyes

monsters are not forgiven
monsters are hunted and slain

if I can't be forgiven I should just burn
shouldn't I?

twelve.

this is just me and my thoughts

and my thoughts are telling me

to die

people would miss me, sure

but they'd miss the good me

when in reality

I'm all bad

there's nothing to live for

not anymore

go in swinging

we thought it'd last for a long time

but it was over before it truly begun

it hurts that it's all gone

I told you what a friend was to me, didn't I?

glad you woke up?

I am too.

guess all my chances are up

gone

thank you for being in my life.

I'm sorry I had to be in yours.

eleven. (first intermission)

turn on the shower
and I step inside
too hot
too cold
there
just right

and I sit there
and I think
staring into nothing
the occasional blink

fuck
look at my legs
they're like spiderwebs
barely hanging on by a thin thin thread

they're magnetic
attracting sharpener blades
drawing the blood
that I so badly crave

I don't know how else to pay for my sins
so fuck it all
I'll keep doing it

yeah, that's right
even now
I'm still manipulating
making you feel bad
wow

my best friends aren't friends
they're just handy tools
I'll use them and abuse them
got you all fucking fooled

no
that's not me
I care about them
don't I?
damn, but I fucked you over

pleasant to the eyes?
what the fuck does that mean?
I'm pretty on the outside
but on the inside I'm mean?
tell me that's not what it means
what I think it means
because that'll just confirm
that I'm too mean

goddamnit

I'm a two-faced liar
is that what you want to say?

stop being civil
just hate me, goddamnit
but I don't want you to hate me
I want to be friends

fuck
who am I kidding
you know what a friend is to me
someone to leech off of
benefit off for free
yeah, that's what I do
milk it for all it's worth
because I'm the worst
yeah, I said it first
I'm a parasite
isn't that what it's called?

damn
is this what you do?
write it all down
then forget about it too?

because it's working
just kidding
I'll never be free
I'll keep going and going
'till there's nothing left to bleed

shit
the water's getting cold
my fingers are wrinkled
and so are my toes
who the fuck am I, dammit?
why does nobody know?!

I'm sick of this life
I'm sick of this list
I'm sick of myself
I'm sick of this shit

I hate myself, damn
killed myself once
locked away
tossed away
never looked back
never got caught

until now
I've stopped running
who the fuck cares?
catch me

send me to therapy
counselling
psychiatrists
get me pills
so I can pretend I'm fine
won't fix the problem
but who the fuck cares?
no one wants to see
the real me

your chance to fuck me over now
tell the teacher
confiscate my blades
tell my parents
take away my freedom

I wanted to be someone else
happy
exciting
fun to be around
a good person, damnit
but I'm not
"be yourself"
what a piece of fucking bullshit

just like my anxiety
just like my depression
I'm an attention whore
feel sorry for me
pity me
and then you're mine to use
to abuse
to break
nothing to it
easy
piece of cake

hell
these are my words
but they're your words too
you'll never say them
so I said them for you

killed myself once
I can kill myself twice

fuck I'm really thinking about it
oh god stop me
I don't want to die
don't be tricked by me
don't believe my lies
"she's a good person" you say
before I shoot you in the face
with a bullet of betrayal
and a gun made of hate

hate
I don't hate
I am hate
I'm full of hate
I'm a ball of hate

hate the way I talk
hate the way I laugh
hate the way I smile
hate the way I touch

talk to everyone else but me
yeah fine
that's fine
I don't care
but in a few hours I will
when I'm
triggered

shit
I hate the way my tears taste
you're just playing with me
the way I played you

yeah
you've won
take the loot
take the glory
a thought pulls the trigger
to the big black gun
and there's no one left to tell my story

end.

ten.

I wish I was thoughtful.
I wish I was lovely.
I wish I was amazing.
I wish I was joyful.
I wish I was humorous.
I wish I was kind.
I wish I was nice.
I wish I was funny.
I wish I was confident.
I wish I was artistic.
I wish I was pretty.
I wish I was a methodical thinker.
I wish I was pleasant on the eyes.
I wish I was a good person.

thank you for all your words,
but
I'm none of those things.

I am...nice a bad person.
I can...draw never be a saint.
I will...be able to draw hands one day always be a sinner.

"ugh, look at her. she was happy one minute ago. she can't be depressed. she's such a fake."
"how hard is it to describe yourself? seriously? she's just fishing for attention."
"god, I can't stand her. she's just pretending to be depressed."

I just...
I can't.

not when you're right there.
I'm already bad enough.
whatever I say will just make it worse.

"I am..."

why don't you finish that sentence for me?

nine.

took my chances.
what a mistake.

I'll apologise for wasting your time.

I thought
we were
okay.

god.
I'm so sorry.
I thought I was forgiven.

for every sin you forgive
two more are committed
please
just give up.

no, wait.
don't give up on me.

I keep holding on
but I'm slipping,
falling,
into nothing.

you said you'd always be there,
but that was before you realised,
and those words sit on my bookshelf,
and it hurts to read.

whatever you do, don't meet someone like me again.

eight.

you don't read this anyway.

god. my head hurts.
sleep hasn't crossed my path
only you.

never ending
constant spirals
you, you, you.

past, present, future.

laughter. happiness. distance. pain.

too insignificant to change the game
just another monster
you've already slain.

would you have spared me?

I'm crying.
I'm so, so pathetic.
so, so desperate.

will you forgive my sins?

but bad guys never change.
and there I'll stay.

choking on my words
afraid of my actions
running from myself
this is what I've become
this is what I am

this
is
who
I
am

seven.

you make my heart beat faster
you make me out of breath
I get so, so nervous when I'm around you
and I don't know what to say

but it's not love, nothing close
it's something worse

you terrify me.

heart palpitations.
shortness of breath.
frozen in fear.

sound familiar?

a
n
x
i
e
t
y

go on, laugh.
I'm pathetic.
tell me to just get over it.
tell me to stop overreacting.

go on.
because you know I'll do it for you.

six.

I'm trapped

restrained

the right to speak

the right to smile

the right to laugh

the right to touch

too scared to make jokes

too scared to look your way

watching through a glass wall

the people that we used to be

breath fogs up the glass

and I'm lost in the pain

every heartbeat is a reminder.

counting down the seconds.

I'm being judged

by my actions.

but they're the words of a villain in your eyes.

does that make you the hero?

no wonder it wasn't meant to last,

if we were fated to destroy.

how can I fix this,

if you don't want it to be fixed?

it's permanent, isn't it?

we'll never be the same again.

five.

once upon a time,
I was a good person.

clutched a controller
and found out
that I was playing the villain all along.

I wish I could redeem myself,
but a bad guy will always be a bad guy.

especially in your eyes.

do your words have a meaning?
they're the same,
but to me, they're so different.

can't smile,
can't laugh.

I'm not myself
don't you see?
I can't be myself
if I don't know who I am.

seeds of doubt
and
so many
questions.

"was that too mean? was that too critical? am I being a bitch? I'm being a bitch. apologise. oh, they say it's okay. they're just saying that to make you feel better. see how nice they are in comparison to you? why can't you be nice for once?"

"what should you say that won't be mean? that won't be taken in the wrong way? was it a joke? or was it serious? are you really being too boastful? too cocky? are you really a slut? are you really a show-off? are you really that manipulative? are you really an attention seeker? do you really fake everything for attention? do you really play with people's feelings? do you really use people to your advantage? do you really make people look bad on purpose?"

"stop being mean. stop being critical. stop being boastful. stop being cocky. stop acting like a slut. stop showing off. stop manipulating people. stop fishing for attention. stop acting like you're depressed, no one's falling for it. stop playing with people's feelings. stop using people to your advantage. stop making people look bad on purpose."

"are you really a bad person?"
"stop being a bad person."

four.

nothing expected
but hopeful anyway

come meet me
across the green
where the rocks meet the sea.

I'll promise not to run
if you promise to listen.

not to me,
but to the silence.

and hold on to the thought
that maybe,
just maybe,
we could be fixed.

three.

fuck.
you screwed up.

you had to mention it.
back to square one.
how pathetic.

WHY CAN'T YOU SHUT UP

why do you try so hard?
you'll just fall to your death.

your apologies mean nothing.
nothing at all.

if you don't want an apology,
then what do you want?

maybe you don't want to think about it.

but I do.
I relive every word.
I can't let it go.

do you feel guilty?
don't.
you did nothing.

you deserve to be happy.

I don't know what I deserve anymore.

would you miss me?
not anymore.

you won't see me again.
no one looks down to hell.

two.

do you smile at my sins?

or do you hurt?

"I'm fine"

a beautiful lie

simple

and dismissive

insecurity hides behind a wall

a wall of malice

poison

hate

is there more poison behind the wall?

am I a good person?

of course not.

too mean

too critical

too selfish

too greedy

too hurtful

too cruel

useless.

would you have never said anything,

if you knew I became your thoughts?

would you have never said anything,

if you knew that's all I think about?

too mean

too critical

too selfish

too greedy

too hurtful

too cruel

excuses, excuses.

there's no excuse for what I've done.

one.

oh no.

no no no.

I didn't...I wasn't...

I...

I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have tried.

why do I try?

speaking is a sin

can it be fixed?

is it fixed?

are you...

are we...

okay?

or am I just as bad as ever?

heh.

who am I kidding?

why would you want to talk to me?

after what I did

what I still do

why can't I stop?

no.

shut up.

shut up.

just leave it.

why do I care?

I should leave it

I fucked up

I'll only make it worse

that's what I do

yeah.

I still care.