eleven. (first intermission)

turn on the shower
and I step inside
too hot
too cold
there
just right

and I sit there
and I think
staring into nothing
the occasional blink

fuck
look at my legs
they're like spiderwebs
barely hanging on by a thin thin thread

they're magnetic
attracting sharpener blades
drawing the blood
that I so badly crave

I don't know how else to pay for my sins
so fuck it all
I'll keep doing it

yeah, that's right
even now
I'm still manipulating
making you feel bad
wow

my best friends aren't friends
they're just handy tools
I'll use them and abuse them
got you all fucking fooled

no
that's not me
I care about them
don't I?
damn, but I fucked you over

pleasant to the eyes?
what the fuck does that mean?
I'm pretty on the outside
but on the inside I'm mean?
tell me that's not what it means
what I think it means
because that'll just confirm
that I'm too mean

goddamnit

I'm a two-faced liar
is that what you want to say?

stop being civil
just hate me, goddamnit
but I don't want you to hate me
I want to be friends

fuck
who am I kidding
you know what a friend is to me
someone to leech off of
benefit off for free
yeah, that's what I do
milk it for all it's worth
because I'm the worst
yeah, I said it first
I'm a parasite
isn't that what it's called?

damn
is this what you do?
write it all down
then forget about it too?

because it's working
just kidding
I'll never be free
I'll keep going and going
'till there's nothing left to bleed

shit
the water's getting cold
my fingers are wrinkled
and so are my toes
who the fuck am I, dammit?
why does nobody know?!

I'm sick of this life
I'm sick of this list
I'm sick of myself
I'm sick of this shit

I hate myself, damn
killed myself once
locked away
tossed away
never looked back
never got caught

until now
I've stopped running
who the fuck cares?
catch me

send me to therapy
counselling
psychiatrists
get me pills
so I can pretend I'm fine
won't fix the problem
but who the fuck cares?
no one wants to see
the real me

your chance to fuck me over now
tell the teacher
confiscate my blades
tell my parents
take away my freedom

I wanted to be someone else
happy
exciting
fun to be around
a good person, damnit
but I'm not
"be yourself"
what a piece of fucking bullshit

just like my anxiety
just like my depression
I'm an attention whore
feel sorry for me
pity me
and then you're mine to use
to abuse
to break
nothing to it
easy
piece of cake

hell
these are my words
but they're your words too
you'll never say them
so I said them for you

killed myself once
I can kill myself twice

fuck I'm really thinking about it
oh god stop me
I don't want to die
don't be tricked by me
don't believe my lies
"she's a good person" you say
before I shoot you in the face
with a bullet of betrayal
and a gun made of hate

hate
I don't hate
I am hate
I'm full of hate
I'm a ball of hate

hate the way I talk
hate the way I laugh
hate the way I smile
hate the way I touch

talk to everyone else but me
yeah fine
that's fine
I don't care
but in a few hours I will
when I'm
triggered

shit
I hate the way my tears taste
you're just playing with me
the way I played you

yeah
you've won
take the loot
take the glory
a thought pulls the trigger
to the big black gun
and there's no one left to tell my story

end.