ten.

I wish I was thoughtful.
I wish I was lovely.
I wish I was amazing.
I wish I was joyful.
I wish I was humorous.
I wish I was kind.
I wish I was nice.
I wish I was funny.
I wish I was confident.
I wish I was artistic.
I wish I was pretty.
I wish I was a methodical thinker.
I wish I was pleasant on the eyes.
I wish I was a good person.

thank you for all your words,
but
I'm none of those things.

I am...nice a bad person.
I can...draw never be a saint.
I will...be able to draw hands one day always be a sinner.

"ugh, look at her. she was happy one minute ago. she can't be depressed. she's such a fake."
"how hard is it to describe yourself? seriously? she's just fishing for attention."
"god, I can't stand her. she's just pretending to be depressed."

I just...
I can't.

not when you're right there.
I'm already bad enough.
whatever I say will just make it worse.

"I am..."

why don't you finish that sentence for me?

nine.

took my chances.
what a mistake.

I'll apologise for wasting your time.

I thought
we were
okay.

god.
I'm so sorry.
I thought I was forgiven.

for every sin you forgive
two more are committed
please
just give up.

no, wait.
don't give up on me.

I keep holding on
but I'm slipping,
falling,
into nothing.

you said you'd always be there,
but that was before you realised,
and those words sit on my bookshelf,
and it hurts to read.

whatever you do, don't meet someone like me again.

eight.

you don't read this anyway.

god. my head hurts.
sleep hasn't crossed my path
only you.

never ending
constant spirals
you, you, you.

past, present, future.

laughter. happiness. distance. pain.

too insignificant to change the game
just another monster
you've already slain.

would you have spared me?

I'm crying.
I'm so, so pathetic.
so, so desperate.

will you forgive my sins?

but bad guys never change.
and there I'll stay.

choking on my words
afraid of my actions
running from myself
this is what I've become
this is what I am

this
is
who
I
am

seven.

you make my heart beat faster
you make me out of breath
I get so, so nervous when I'm around you
and I don't know what to say

but it's not love, nothing close
it's something worse

you terrify me.

heart palpitations.
shortness of breath.
frozen in fear.

sound familiar?

a
n
x
i
e
t
y

go on, laugh.
I'm pathetic.
tell me to just get over it.
tell me to stop overreacting.

go on.
because you know I'll do it for you.

six.

I'm trapped

restrained

the right to speak

the right to smile

the right to laugh

the right to touch

too scared to make jokes

too scared to look your way

watching through a glass wall

the people that we used to be

breath fogs up the glass

and I'm lost in the pain

every heartbeat is a reminder.

counting down the seconds.

I'm being judged

by my actions.

but they're the words of a villain in your eyes.

does that make you the hero?

no wonder it wasn't meant to last,

if we were fated to destroy.

how can I fix this,

if you don't want it to be fixed?

it's permanent, isn't it?

we'll never be the same again.

five.

once upon a time,
I was a good person.

clutched a controller
and found out
that I was playing the villain all along.

I wish I could redeem myself,
but a bad guy will always be a bad guy.

especially in your eyes.

do your words have a meaning?
they're the same,
but to me, they're so different.

can't smile,
can't laugh.

I'm not myself
don't you see?
I can't be myself
if I don't know who I am.

seeds of doubt
and
so many
questions.

"was that too mean? was that too critical? am I being a bitch? I'm being a bitch. apologise. oh, they say it's okay. they're just saying that to make you feel better. see how nice they are in comparison to you? why can't you be nice for once?"

"what should you say that won't be mean? that won't be taken in the wrong way? was it a joke? or was it serious? are you really being too boastful? too cocky? are you really a slut? are you really a show-off? are you really that manipulative? are you really an attention seeker? do you really fake everything for attention? do you really play with people's feelings? do you really use people to your advantage? do you really make people look bad on purpose?"

"stop being mean. stop being critical. stop being boastful. stop being cocky. stop acting like a slut. stop showing off. stop manipulating people. stop fishing for attention. stop acting like you're depressed, no one's falling for it. stop playing with people's feelings. stop using people to your advantage. stop making people look bad on purpose."

"are you really a bad person?"
"stop being a bad person."

four.

nothing expected
but hopeful anyway

come meet me
across the green
where the rocks meet the sea.

I'll promise not to run
if you promise to listen.

not to me,
but to the silence.

and hold on to the thought
that maybe,
just maybe,
we could be fixed.

three.

fuck.
you screwed up.

you had to mention it.
back to square one.
how pathetic.

WHY CAN'T YOU SHUT UP

why do you try so hard?
you'll just fall to your death.

your apologies mean nothing.
nothing at all.

if you don't want an apology,
then what do you want?

maybe you don't want to think about it.

but I do.
I relive every word.
I can't let it go.

do you feel guilty?
don't.
you did nothing.

you deserve to be happy.

I don't know what I deserve anymore.

would you miss me?
not anymore.

you won't see me again.
no one looks down to hell.

two.

do you smile at my sins?

or do you hurt?

"I'm fine"

a beautiful lie

simple

and dismissive

insecurity hides behind a wall

a wall of malice

poison

hate

is there more poison behind the wall?

am I a good person?

of course not.

too mean

too critical

too selfish

too greedy

too hurtful

too cruel

useless.

would you have never said anything,

if you knew I became your thoughts?

would you have never said anything,

if you knew that's all I think about?

too mean

too critical

too selfish

too greedy

too hurtful

too cruel

excuses, excuses.

there's no excuse for what I've done.

one.

oh no.

no no no.

I didn't...I wasn't...

I...

I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have tried.

why do I try?

speaking is a sin

can it be fixed?

is it fixed?

are you...

are we...

okay?

or am I just as bad as ever?

heh.

who am I kidding?

why would you want to talk to me?

after what I did

what I still do

why can't I stop?

no.

shut up.

shut up.

just leave it.

why do I care?

I should leave it

I fucked up

I'll only make it worse

that's what I do

yeah.

I still care.