twenty two. (theories and sob stories)

when she was ten, she had a best friend.
when she was eleven, she did not.
when she was twelve, everything fell apart.
when she was thirteen, she found hope.
when she was fourteen, she lost it.
when she is fifteen, she will end it.

sometimes she thinks there may be a sixteen.
or a seventeen.
maybe even an eighteen.
sometimes she feels like there will be no fifteen at all.
and she'll be fourteen forever.

she hides.
behind many masks.
she does not know who she really is.
she cannot see the light.
the mask covers all.
the others see.
they tell her she is beautiful.
but they only see the mask.

she hopes.
for understanding.
desperate wishes.
for the person she loves the most
to accept what is underneath.
but he already rejects the mask.
she is scared.
it will happen again.
ten.
eleven.
twelve.
thirteen.
fourteen.

she hates.
herself.
the entity underneath.
breathing air she does not deserve.
receiving love she is unworthy of.
everything she says
is disgusting.
everything she does
is despicable.

she is selfish and strange.
dependent on love.
but she does not know how to give it back.
she is useless.
she does not know how to comfort.
she does not know how to make somebody happy.

she does not want him to leave.
she will cry.
she will scream.
she will beg.
her mask will fall away.
but it is inevitable.
she is already losing him.
she has already lost him before.

she knows.
a mask is a lie.
he despises lies.
he despises her.
but he cannot stand her without a mask.

a single word can make her smile.
a single word can make her sad.
he does not realise how important he is to her.
she can only hope that she is important to him too.
but she knows that she is not.

she cries.

twenty one.

you're disgusting.

you did it.
you're a "good" person.
how does it feel? being l0ved?
you're so proud of yourself, aren't you?

but you know what?
you're still disgusting.

someone like you should kill themselves.
honestly

you're despicable
dependent on a thing called l0ve
it's something you'll never return
and it's something you'll never deserve

poor little girl
was never given
any l0ve
so you have to give me
all of yours

poor little girl
doesn't even know
how to l0ve
so you can't expect any
of it back

you've got them right where you want
you've got all the excuses
"I have depression"
"I'm broken"
"I'm not okay"
it's all about you

just kill yourself already.
you make me sick.

twenty.

you ran away.
but you'll always come back to this.

you hate mirrors
they show you what you don't want to see

so thin.
but you need to be thinner
so you can waste away
stop
existing.

hair falls across your face.
good
that way you don't have to see how ugly it is
and the bags beneath your sunken eyes
from crying crying crying
all the time.
(grow up)

in the darkness you can't see
but you can feel them
you remember
slashing
crying
hating
and when you stopped
you lay there
arms outstretched
wondering what they would say
wondering if they knew how much those words hurt
and wondering how you became their words.

how much longer until they see what you see?

someone broken
someone screaming

lashing out
hurting
pushing everyone away
("you're like a constantly ticking bomb. I never know when you're going to explode. It scares me, ***. You scare me.")
taking their pain
no one deserves to be hurt
except you
you're already broken

I'll hurt you
and in the end
you'll hate me
and if you won't




I'll make you hate me

nineteen.

the feeling of falling apart
is not the worst
even if
the world is spinning
and the storm threatens to tear you to pieces

the feeling of wanting to die
is not the worst
even if
you're crying
and there seems to be no end to this sadness

the worst feeling
is receiving hope
a glimmer
spark
(flowers)
in the form of smiles
words

and then
having it taken away from you
jerked from you
torn
ripped
shredded

and gone.

seventeen.

I'm sorry
I'm sorry
what do you want me to do
I don't know how to fix everything

did you mean to do that?
words harm
words maim
words kill

no, it doesn't matter if I didn't mean to
I still did

and oh god I can't do this
I can't watch this anymore
I don't want to remember

back to square one, here we go
they were pretty flowers
and for a moment I was brighter
then it all came crashing down
for the hundreth time

and I can't
I can't
can't speak
because
you won't give me another chance

but for everyone else
they have plenty

and why do I care this much
when your sense of humour
is just like the rest of them
making jokes out of things that aren't funny
was this you all along?

somehow I'm the bad one
if I am
then what are they
what are you (good, of course, right?)

I don't know

it's obvious
you don't want me there
I'm sorry