twenty two. (theories and sob stories)

when she was ten, she had a best friend.
when she was eleven, she did not.
when she was twelve, everything fell apart.
when she was thirteen, she found hope.
when she was fourteen, she lost it.
when she is fifteen, she will end it.

sometimes she thinks there may be a sixteen.
or a seventeen.
maybe even an eighteen.
sometimes she feels like there will be no fifteen at all.
and she'll be fourteen forever.

she hides.
behind many masks.
she does not know who she really is.
she cannot see the light.
the mask covers all.
the others see.
they tell her she is beautiful.
but they only see the mask.

she hopes.
for understanding.
desperate wishes.
for the person she loves the most
to accept what is underneath.
but he already rejects the mask.
she is scared.
it will happen again.
ten.
eleven.
twelve.
thirteen.
fourteen.

she hates.
herself.
the entity underneath.
breathing air she does not deserve.
receiving love she is unworthy of.
everything she says
is disgusting.
everything she does
is despicable.

she is selfish and strange.
dependent on love.
but she does not know how to give it back.
she is useless.
she does not know how to comfort.
she does not know how to make somebody happy.

she does not want him to leave.
she will cry.
she will scream.
she will beg.
her mask will fall away.
but it is inevitable.
she is already losing him.
she has already lost him before.

she knows.
a mask is a lie.
he despises lies.
he despises her.
but he cannot stand her without a mask.

a single word can make her smile.
a single word can make her sad.
he does not realise how important he is to her.
she can only hope that she is important to him too.
but she knows that she is not.

she cries.