ten.

I wish I was thoughtful.
I wish I was lovely.
I wish I was amazing.
I wish I was joyful.
I wish I was humorous.
I wish I was kind.
I wish I was nice.
I wish I was funny.
I wish I was confident.
I wish I was artistic.
I wish I was pretty.
I wish I was a methodical thinker.
I wish I was pleasant on the eyes.
I wish I was a good person.

thank you for all your words,
but
I'm none of those things.

I am...nice a bad person.
I can...draw never be a saint.
I will...be able to draw hands one day always be a sinner.

"ugh, look at her. she was happy one minute ago. she can't be depressed. she's such a fake."
"how hard is it to describe yourself? seriously? she's just fishing for attention."
"god, I can't stand her. she's just pretending to be depressed."

I just...
I can't.

not when you're right there.
I'm already bad enough.
whatever I say will just make it worse.

"I am..."

why don't you finish that sentence for me?

nine.

took my chances.
what a mistake.

I'll apologise for wasting your time.

I thought
we were
okay.

god.
I'm so sorry.
I thought I was forgiven.

for every sin you forgive
two more are committed
please
just give up.

no, wait.
don't give up on me.

I keep holding on
but I'm slipping,
falling,
into nothing.

you said you'd always be there,
but that was before you realised,
and those words sit on my bookshelf,
and it hurts to read.

whatever you do, don't meet someone like me again.

eight.

you don't read this anyway.

god. my head hurts.
sleep hasn't crossed my path
only you.

never ending
constant spirals
you, you, you.

past, present, future.

laughter. happiness. distance. pain.

too insignificant to change the game
just another monster
you've already slain.

would you have spared me?

I'm crying.
I'm so, so pathetic.
so, so desperate.

will you forgive my sins?

but bad guys never change.
and there I'll stay.

choking on my words
afraid of my actions
running from myself
this is what I've become
this is what I am

this
is
who
I
am

seven.

you make my heart beat faster
you make me out of breath
I get so, so nervous when I'm around you
and I don't know what to say

but it's not love, nothing close
it's something worse

you terrify me.

heart palpitations.
shortness of breath.
frozen in fear.

sound familiar?

a
n
x
i
e
t
y

go on, laugh.
I'm pathetic.
tell me to just get over it.
tell me to stop overreacting.

go on.
because you know I'll do it for you.

six.

I'm trapped

restrained

the right to speak

the right to smile

the right to laugh

the right to touch

too scared to make jokes

too scared to look your way

watching through a glass wall

the people that we used to be

breath fogs up the glass

and I'm lost in the pain

every heartbeat is a reminder.

counting down the seconds.

I'm being judged

by my actions.

but they're the words of a villain in your eyes.

does that make you the hero?

no wonder it wasn't meant to last,

if we were fated to destroy.

how can I fix this,

if you don't want it to be fixed?

it's permanent, isn't it?

we'll never be the same again.