twenty one.

you're disgusting.

you did it.
you're a "good" person.
how does it feel? being l0ved?
you're so proud of yourself, aren't you?

but you know what?
you're still disgusting.

someone like you should kill themselves.
honestly

you're despicable
dependent on a thing called l0ve
it's something you'll never return
and it's something you'll never deserve

poor little girl
was never given
any l0ve
so you have to give me
all of yours

poor little girl
doesn't even know
how to l0ve
so you can't expect any
of it back

you've got them right where you want
you've got all the excuses
"I have depression"
"I'm broken"
"I'm not okay"
it's all about you

just kill yourself already.
you make me sick.

twenty.

you ran away.
but you'll always come back to this.

you hate mirrors
they show you what you don't want to see

so thin.
but you need to be thinner
so you can waste away
stop
existing.

hair falls across your face.
good
that way you don't have to see how ugly it is
and the bags beneath your sunken eyes
from crying crying crying
all the time.
(grow up)

in the darkness you can't see
but you can feel them
you remember
slashing
crying
hating
and when you stopped
you lay there
arms outstretched
wondering what they would say
wondering if they knew how much those words hurt
and wondering how you became their words.

how much longer until they see what you see?

someone broken
someone screaming

lashing out
hurting
pushing everyone away
("you're like a constantly ticking bomb. I never know when you're going to explode. It scares me, ***. You scare me.")
taking their pain
no one deserves to be hurt
except you
you're already broken

I'll hurt you
and in the end
you'll hate me
and if you won't




I'll make you hate me

nineteen.

the feeling of falling apart
is not the worst
even if
the world is spinning
and the storm threatens to tear you to pieces

the feeling of wanting to die
is not the worst
even if
you're crying
and there seems to be no end to this sadness

the worst feeling
is receiving hope
a glimmer
spark
(flowers)
in the form of smiles
words

and then
having it taken away from you
jerked from you
torn
ripped
shredded

and gone.

seventeen.

I'm sorry
I'm sorry
what do you want me to do
I don't know how to fix everything

did you mean to do that?
words harm
words maim
words kill

no, it doesn't matter if I didn't mean to
I still did

and oh god I can't do this
I can't watch this anymore
I don't want to remember

back to square one, here we go
they were pretty flowers
and for a moment I was brighter
then it all came crashing down
for the hundreth time

and I can't
I can't
can't speak
because
you won't give me another chance

but for everyone else
they have plenty

and why do I care this much
when your sense of humour
is just like the rest of them
making jokes out of things that aren't funny
was this you all along?

somehow I'm the bad one
if I am
then what are they
what are you (good, of course, right?)

I don't know

it's obvious
you don't want me there
I'm sorry

sixteen.

it hurts it hurts it hurts
to breathe
to live

I'm screaming for help
but no one's listening
no one ever does

today was just a friendly reminder
that you're not good enough

that you're too cringey
that you're not funny
that you're fucking pathetic
that everyone else is better than you
by millions and millions
(you were never good enough)

and all that comes out of your mouth
is shit shit shit

no I don't like you like that
all I want is for us to be friends

why

when you can tell someone to drink bleach just like that (do you mean it?)
when you can hit shove kick hurt other people just like that (you don't mean it)

why

why do I still want to be friends with you

but hey, who am I to judge
after all, I'm a bad person, right?
fuck
I don't know

I hate myself
I've only ever hated myself.