nineteen.

the feeling of falling apart
is not the worst
even if
the world is spinning
and the storm threatens to tear you to pieces

the feeling of wanting to die
is not the worst
even if
you're crying
and there seems to be no end to this sadness

the worst feeling
is receiving hope
a glimmer
spark
(flowers)
in the form of smiles
words

and then
having it taken away from you
jerked from you
torn
ripped
shredded

and gone.

seventeen.

I'm sorry
I'm sorry
what do you want me to do
I don't know how to fix everything

did you mean to do that?
words harm
words maim
words kill

no, it doesn't matter if I didn't mean to
I still did

and oh god I can't do this
I can't watch this anymore
I don't want to remember

back to square one, here we go
they were pretty flowers
and for a moment I was brighter
then it all came crashing down
for the hundreth time

and I can't
I can't
can't speak
because
you won't give me another chance

but for everyone else
they have plenty

and why do I care this much
when your sense of humour
is just like the rest of them
making jokes out of things that aren't funny
was this you all along?

somehow I'm the bad one
if I am
then what are they
what are you (good, of course, right?)

I don't know

it's obvious
you don't want me there
I'm sorry

sixteen.

it hurts it hurts it hurts
to breathe
to live

I'm screaming for help
but no one's listening
no one ever does

today was just a friendly reminder
that you're not good enough

that you're too cringey
that you're not funny
that you're fucking pathetic
that everyone else is better than you
by millions and millions
(you were never good enough)

and all that comes out of your mouth
is shit shit shit

no I don't like you like that
all I want is for us to be friends

why

when you can tell someone to drink bleach just like that (do you mean it?)
when you can hit shove kick hurt other people just like that (you don't mean it)

why

why do I still want to be friends with you

but hey, who am I to judge
after all, I'm a bad person, right?
fuck
I don't know

I hate myself
I've only ever hated myself.

fifteen.

hey you
you're all alone
lucky I'm here
to be your friend

upgrade
replace
slash her ugly face

hey you
you're all alone
lucky she's there
to be your friend

so pretty
so precious
so perfect
she'll never betray you
she'll never use you
she'll never ever leave

my first place is second place
and you know what they say about second place

you told me I won
but the race wasn't over

I'm still running like a fool

thirteen.

the silence sings
of broken things
of messed up dreams
and reality

you're all alone
there's no one there to hold your hand
as you lay in the darkness
and shake
eyes full of fear
gasping for breath

it feels so good to cry.

I don't want to hurt anyone
least of all, you
but I only target those who sleep

wake up
I'm just a nightmare
the monster under the bed
it'll always be night time
if you never open your eyes

monsters are not forgiven
monsters are hunted and slain

if I can't be forgiven I should just burn
shouldn't I?