twenty-seven.

I fucking hate Jolene
with her flaming hair
and her stupid bow
and the way she smiles

I fucking hate Jolene
with her sea green eyes
and her pretty hands
and the way she cries

I fucking hate Jolene
she's nicer
she's smarter
she's funnier

everyone fucking loves Jolene.

all I can see
is her red hair
flashing past my fingertips
gasping her way past me in a flash
the crowd goes wild

(I'm second place in a race against myself
isn't that just pathetic)

I fucking hate Jolene
we're the same
both suffering
from the same kind of pain

except of course
she's suffering
more than I ever will

so everyone loves her
she's adored
more than I'll ever be

I'm breathing her air
I'm stealing her friends

I'm a Jolene
without the hair
without the bow
without the eyes
without the hands

without the suffering

they don't need me
I don't need me
why would they
when they have Jolene?

twenty six.

I can't sleep.

there's an uncomfortable feeling in my chest
it curls around my heart
holding it captive

I'm scared.

that he'll leave
again
for the last time

but I won't show it.

I'll smile for you.
laugh for you.
love for you.

but I'll never cry for you.

my pain is irrelevant.

is it a bad thing that someone can make you so happy?
is it even worse that someone can make you so sad?

I'm not good enough for you.
I'm not good enough for anyone.

why did I leap into this rabbit hole
knowing that I'd be falling forever?

this post is a mess.
I'm a mess.

goodnight.